


If You Can't Beat 'Em...

by WhiskerBiscuit



Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Dysfunctional Family, Fear the Radio Demon, Gen, Hot Weather, Innuendo, Language, Minor Body Horror, Water Guns, fluff...?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2019-06-28 15:13:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15709794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhiskerBiscuit/pseuds/WhiskerBiscuit
Summary: In a place that’s literal Hell, it’s gonna be hot, and there’s bound to be heatwaves. But some days are a lot worse than others and for a rundown hotel barely managing its electric bill, much less air conditioning, the residents are forced to rely on some rather…unorthodox methods (yes, even for them) to beat the heat.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some character interpretations may be different from source material, due to the fact that the show hasn't actually aired yet. Also: acqua means water in italian.

“If one more fucker makes a flaming phoenix joke in the next hour, I swear to everything that’s holy they’re gonna be reincarnated just so I can kill them again.”

It was far too hot in Hell today for most souls, and in a run down joint like the Happy Hotel, the occupants were just trying to keep from melting.

Husk laid flat on his stomach on top of the bar counter, arms stretched out in front of him. His long red wings drooped down on both sides and wisped lightly against the carpeted floor. Sweat was pooling steadily from beneath the feather tips. Not far away, Angel Dust chuckled from where he sat propped on the ground against a chair leg, two pairs of arms limp while the remaining ones worked slowly at untying his corset.

“C’mon Husk baby, it’s hard not to say somethin’ with those bee-autiful feather peckers,” he said with lazy eyes. “You gotta take it as it is.”

“A compliment?”

“A come on.”

Husk grabbed at the nearest bottle and took a long swig.

“Anyway,” Angel tactfully ignored such rudeness by dropping his gaze to the uncooperative bodice around his waist. “You’d think Miss Mime Face would be rich enough to get AC out here, her being a princess or whatever the shit. Not very accommodating for us working poor.”

“Miss Mime…? You talkin’ about Charlie?”

“Shhh, don’t say her name, Husk! Might summon her.” The spider demon made a show of looking around the room in mock nervousness. 

“Don’t be a dumbass. That’s not even possible out there; definitely not here.”

Of course it was this moment that the bar doors slammed open with the force of Charlie’s outstretched arms, startling Husk so much he rolled sideways and fell off the counter with a loud _thunk_ and a groan. Angel smirked.

“Speaking of the devil lady. Aha!” He succeeded in pulling off his corset, breathing a deep sigh as he dropped the piece of clothing in his lap. 

Charlie came strolling in with her hands clasped behind her back. She looked at Angel, half naked on the floor, to Husk, who was currently picking himself up off the floor. There was a brief pause.

“Did I – interrupt something?” The girl asked politely.

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Ah, okay then.” She took another moment to flick her ponytail behind her shoulder. “Sooo, what are we doing in here? Some kind of meeting?”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“I see. Well, since you can’t seem to make up your minds, how about we spend some quality time with the rest of the staff? It won’t do to hole yourselves up like this!” Her statement was accompanied by a well-meaning hand clap.

Husk collapsed onto a stool and sagged against the countertop. He squinted at the Princess of Hell like she had grown a halo.

“How the hell are you even moving in that outfit?”

Charlie’s smile faltered in bemusement. “What do you mean?”

“Uh, look around Char-Char! We ain’t exactly freezin’ over today, if you get my drift.” Angel laid forward on his stomach and reached out one hand towards the woman. It made contact with her right shoe and he tapped a claw against the leather. She squeaked and hopped away.

“Oh come one you guys, we can’t let one measly heatwave stop us on such a wonderful day! I doubt it’s even that bad, you just wanna find something to complain about.”

“Charlie, if you can find one other person in this hotel who isn’t dying again right now, I will give you half of the register money.” Husk said completely deadpan.

“But…you already do that anyway?”

“That means fuck off, doll-face.” Angel murmured, stretched across the carpet as the heat started overcoming him. His hair-fluff drooped and dripped with sweat.

“Fine,” the princess’ chin lifted in stubbornness. “I’ll go find someone else who’s not a spoilsport. And then I’ll be back to show you both how childish you’re being.”

With a flip of her ponytail, Charlie turned and walked calmly out of the bar with fisted hands at her sides. Husk and Angel exchanged one feverish glance and then simultaneously closed their eyes and let nothingness overtake them.

Ten minutes later, the doors swung open again and Charlie crept in looking considerably more weary and sheepish. Husk opened one eye to watch her lazily. Angel didn’t even bother to be that courteous.

“Okay, so. It seems I was maybe a little hasty to brush off your concerns.” She fidgeted, tapping her fingertips against each other. “Everyone else is sorta…out of sorts too.”

“Ya don’t say,” Angel growled without moving. His face was buried into the carpet. 

“Yes, well, I do say. So in order to bring everyone’s spirits up, I’ve decided to make an executive decision.” Charlie paused, for dramatic effect and the chance for questions. Neither guy took the bait so she plowed on. “My decision is to beat the heat…through a bonding exercise! Yay! How’s that sound?”

“Terrible.”

“Like a fucking nightmare.”

“Great! Mandatory attendance in the main lobby, be there in two minutes or there’ll be consequences!” The last word was sung at a higher pitch as the princess skipped out of the room, considerably more chipper than during her entrance.

Husk sighed and got off the stool, swiping the whiskey he’d drank from earlier. He padded across the room and nudged Angel’s body with his paw.

“C’mon.”

“I don’ wanna.”

“Get your sorry ass up, if I have to do this then so do you.”

“ _Ugh,_ ” the spider lifted himself off the floor with shaking arms. “Fine. But I’m going bare-chested. And you owe me a French 75 on the house afterwards.”

“I don’t owe you shit, let’s go.”

When they arrived at their destination, it was to find Vaggie slumped in a lounge chair, who gave a halfhearted wave, and Niffty humming some wayward tune as she sat at a table with her head propped up by her hands and elbows. Her face scrunched up at Angel’s topless upper half.

“That’s not very proper, deary.” Niffty tittered with a head tilt.

Angel gave her the finger listlessly as he dropped to the floor again. Husk rolled his eyes and joined Niffty at the table. The four of them stayed that way, listening to the obnoxious ticking of a wall clock nearby, until Charlie came down from upstairs. She was armed with several objects shaped like cartoonish, oversized guns. The spider demon perked up immediately. 

“Are those weapons I spy?” He sat up and looked them over. “They look kinda flimsy.”

“That’s because they’re not the kind of weapons you’re thinking of, silly!” Charlie dropped the guns on the table with a clatter. She hefted a larger one up against her shoulder. “These are water guns! This is how we’re gonna cool down.”

Vaggie frowned from her seat. “Uh, Charlie, I don’t think this is such a good idea.”

“Sure it is, don’t worry!”

Niffty oohed and aahed over the neon colors while Husk stared at the pile, disinterested. He took a drink of whiskey, stared again, and managed to look even more disinterested. Angel, meanwhile, crawled over to peer at the toys from the table ledge.

“What’re water guns? What kinda bullets they use?”

“They don’t use bullets you moron, they’re kids toys.” Husk downed another gulp. “She’s treating us like kids is what she’s doing.”

“Pff, no I’m not. These things are fun for all ages! And all immortals!” The princess held out the one she was holding for the rest of them to see. “Look, you fill this cap with water, right here, and then you press this trigger to squirt it. I already filled them all so don’t worry about that, but I was hoping we could each pick one and head into the backyard to have a water gun fight. Sounds fun, right?”

Husk shook his head and curled into the chair with his whiskey. Niffty seemed not to have heard Charlie; she had picked up the most colorful gun and was cooing over it. Angel stayed where he was, two pairs of hands clutched around the table’s edge while he peeked just over it at the plastic weapons. Vaggie stood up and moved to Charlie’s side, placing one hand on her shoulder.

“Listen, I know you’re trying to help us with the heat problem,” she spoke quietly to her partner, “and we really appreciate it, but I really, _really_ don’t think this is the best idea.”

“Come on Vaggie, the backyard is totally safe from malicious demons, I’ve been putting charms around the perimeter so we don’t get any unwanted guests.” Unwanted guests mostly meant Sir Pentious but nobody was going to say that out loud. 

The girl still looked skeptical, so Charlie smiled sincerely at her.

“And it’s not like I filled the guns with acid, so what’s the worst that could happen?”

“ACK!”

Angel flinched back violently as Niffty sprayed water in his face at close range. She giggled delightedly and sprayed him again, forcing the cursing spider to duck under the table.

“Hey, not inside! Outside!” Charlie scolded as Vaggie facepalmed.

But it was too late. One spidery hand whipped up over the table and groped blindly for all of two seconds before landing on a hefty-sized water gun, which was quickly pulled under the makeshift wooden hiding spot. Then the furniture was knocked sideways, sending Husk and Niffty sprawling as Angel popped up and held the trigger down, spraying indiscriminately.

Husk made a yelped curse and his wings drew up to block the sudden barrage of water. Niffty gave a cry of both glee and astonishment, responding by trying to shoot her own weapon. Her aim went wide and sailed past a cackling Angel right onto Vaggie’s chest.

She squawked and fell on her butt, to which Charlie mirrored. Vaggie flicked water off her breasts and growled.

“Charlie, give me your gun right now.”

“But, but outside –”

“ _Now!_ ”

Angel was having the time of his life, right up until Vaggie came up behind him and smacked him with the gun itself. He stumbled forward and nearly tripped on the upended table.

“What the hell?!”

“This is your fault Angel!” The girl demon yelled and sprayed him in the back. He tensed up at the feel of cold water against his uncovered body, whipping around with a deranged snarl.

“Eat acqua, bitch!” He pulled the trigger like it was a machine gun. Water hit Vaggie right in the face and she started spraying back.

While those two remained locked for dominance, Niffty turned her sights to Husk, who was trying desperately to get out of the line of fire. She twittered maniacally as she pounced on him with her weapon, and with no proper way to defend himself the poor winged demon did the next best thing – he dumped his whiskey on her. She screamed, in disgust or delight it was hard to tell, and he took the chance to jump up and hightail it out of there.

So stood Charlie, standing helplessly as Angel and Vaggie threw obscenities and H2O at each other, Husk fled the scene, and Niffty brushed at her alcohol-covered outfit and licked her fingers. She made eye contact with the princess and gave a toothy, dangerous grin, lifting her weapon up slowly like a bringer of doom. Charlie’s gaze hovered down to the remaining water guns left on the floor.

“Well,” she decided, “if you can’t beat them, join them!”  


.

.

.

.

A half hour later and huddled in the safety of his locked bar, Husk rolled his eyes as a third loud crash sounded through the hotel. Someone screamed and demonic laughter echoed with a suspiciously Charlie-like voice.

“Idiots,” Husk declared to himself, still drying his fur off. “Idiots and children, every single one of them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so excited for this show, and I can't wait to get to know each of these wonderfully zany people. If you didn't read the note at the beginning, this is my personal take on the characters based on what little we already know and some educated guesswork. I might come back to this after the show airs and we get a better feel for the characters, or I might leave it as-is as a kind of...AU? I guess? I just like patchwork family dynamic haha.
> 
> Based on the trailer and the other tidbits, who's your favorite character, and who do you think might become your favorite character when you get to know them? Angel Dust is my answer to both, but something tells me Charlie is really gonna shine. Have a good night, thanks for reading, and please let me know what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with Alastor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for minor body horror.

It had been about a week and a half since the water gun incident. The event itself had been fun, messy, and borderline homicidal, but cleaning up the lobby (as well as three hallways, a bathroom, and Angel Dust’s entire collection of adult film props) left everyone less than enthusiastic to repeat the experience.

It was around this time that the hotel got a fairly frequent visitor. Whether that visitor was fairly _welcome_ was another matter entirely.

“Charlie-dear! Always a pleasure to see you in high and healthy spirits!”

Alastor breezed through the open front door with more pomp and grandeur than should have been possible. Patting Charlie on the head as one does a young child, he slid calculating eyes over every inch of the room.

“My, that’s a lovely new painting. Did your mother loan that one? She always did have an eye for quality.” The Radio Demon twirled his microphone staff clockwise as he circled in a slow counterclockwise. “You’ve cleaned as well, how darling! It almost looks respectable now.”

His gaze fell on Vaggie, who was standing in the nearest doorway with her arms crossed and her back rigid.

“Hello, my dear. Are you going to threaten me again?” 

“No,” she said curtly, “but I still don’t trust you.”

The response was a leering glint to the ever-present smile. Vaggie bristled but didn’t say anything else.

“Ah, I’m sorry to sound rude,” Charlie stepped up in an attempt to peace-make. “It’s uh…good to see you but, we weren’t really expecting this today? To see you here, I mean. Is there a reason you’re here? Maybe?”

Alastor tilted his head. “I’m simply here to check in on my associates! What other reason could I possibly entertain?”

“Sure, because ‘checking in’ is what you’re known for.” Vaggie made parenthesis with her fingers. 

The Radio Demon’s eyes became half-lidded, and he gave a mock bow in the girl’s direction. “You’ve caught me at my best today, I suppose. Charlie, should I expect everyone else to be this discourteous?”

The princess opened her mouth to give a reassurance, but it was this moment that Vaggie was pushed out of her spot in guarding the doorway by a spindly, spidery hand.

“Why you blockin’ the way, Toots? Some of us got somewhere to be!” Angel Dust sneered at the girl he’d misplaced. She caught herself before she hit the ground and spat a Spanish curse at him.

“Angel,” Charlie clasped her hands together. “We have a guest, please be polite!”

The spider demon locked eyes with Alastor, who leaned lightly on his cane and gave a derisive little wave.

“The hell are you doing here?”

“ _Angel,_ ” Charlie wrung her hands together. “ _Be nice._ ”

“It’s quite all right, my dear,” the Radio Demon said, looking down his nose. “He’s welcome to express himself in whatever vulgar, childish manner he desires.” 

Angel huffed and crossed his top arms over his chest. The lower pair was planted on his hips. “I’ll have you know I’m only childish on Wednesdays, so there.” He stuck his tongue out for good measure and sniffed the air.

“Anywaaaay,” the princess sing-songed, trying to get the conversation back together. “You said you came by for an update, right? How about I…give you a tour of what we’ve changed since you were here last? Does that sound? Okay?”

“Downright darling, dearie,” Alastor purred. He grinned at everyone in the room. “Although I must ask; will it be an entourage today? You know I love an audience, but these listeners rarely tune in to my particular program.”

“Um, well?” Charlie turned towards her partner. “Do you mind sitting this one out? I’m sure everything will be just swell.”

Vaggie glared at the floor a moment before coming to a personal compromise. She sighed and nudged Angel to get his attention.

“You’re going on the tour with them.”

“What? No I’m not, I’ve got better things ta do!” He stared at her, incredulous.

“Sure, and the best thing is knowing what’s new with the hotel so if someone asks you about it, you can tell the truth for once in your life. Besides,” she held up a finger when he tried to protest, “you still owe me for bailing you out of that bad deal with your client last weekend.”

Angel made a frustrated noise and threw his hands up in the air. “Fine! Fine. You just want me to play bouncer for your girl, I’ll do it. But we’re even after this.”

“Fine with me,” Vaggie put a gentle hand on Charlie’s shoulder. “I’ll be making lunch down the hall, don’t…be afraid to let me know if you need me.”

“You know I won’t,” the princess gave a reassuring smile in response. 

The demon girl hummed and, with a final distrustful glower at the unwelcome guest, left the room. The three remaining demons stood in silence until they couldn’t hear angry footsteps any longer.

“Well then, let’s get to it!” Charlie announced cheerfully.

So that was how they went from room to room; Charlie pointing out improvements made since Alastor’s last visit, the Radio Demon cocking his head at each display without saying a word, and Angel trailing behind the whole time like a pouting child. Soon they reached the door to the hotel pub.

“Oh, and we’re almost done renovating the bar, too! We just need to change some of the wallpaper and it’ll look good as new, Husk has been so excited about it even though he won’t admit it.”

“How marvelous! You won’t mind if I go take a look, would you, my dear? And Husk will be over the moon to see me, I’m sure.”

The princess started playing with her suspenders. “Well, funny thing about that, you can’t talk to Husk cause he’s –”

“Uhh, sweet cheeks, the guy’s already gone,” Angel drawled, pointing at the large doors leading to the bar. They were swinging closed.

Charlie wavered only a moment before shaking her head and striding after the Radio Demon. She found him standing in the middle of the room, clearly looking for his former associate. The girl stepped behind him and cleared her throat as the spider demon sauntered to her side.

“I’m afraid you won’t be able to talk to Husk for a while.”

“Half-seas over, I take it?”

“Uhh…” She looked over at Angel, who mimed chugging a drink. “Oh. Well he actually went out a few hours ago sooooo I don’t think he’s drunk? Or I hope not. I’m not sure what he’s doing, but I do know that he’s not here.”

“Lovely! Some other time then, perhaps.” Alastor made his way behind the bar. “I see he still keeps everything disheveled back here. I had hoped you would curb him of that habit, but – oh, what might this be?”

He bent at a perfect ninety-degree angle and stood back up holding a water gun. Charlie felt her brow furrow in surprise as she joined the Radio Demon behind the counter. There were five or six of the colorful toys hidden past a line of Jack Daniel’s. There was also a post-it note, scrawled with _‘find where Niffty hid hers.’_

“I was wondering where these went,” the princess said, stooping to grab one herself. “Why’d Husk take them?”

Angel Dust snorted and sat down on a barstool. “Cause he fucking hates getting wet. You try having fur that thick and soaking for hours, it sucks ass.”

“But you were playing with us that day. You’ve got a lot of fur too.” Charlie set the gun onto the bar counter and eased her elbows along the polished wood, putting her chin in her hands.

Neither of them paid any attention to Alastor, who turned the toy this way and that with his head angled in their direction.

“Cause it was hot as balls and someone shot me! I ain’t about ta be insulted like that.” The spider demon fluffed out his chest. “Already got wet, didn’t have nothin’ else to lose.”

“You almost lost your…adult paraphernalia.”

“Hey, it wasn’t _my_ fault! Niffty was the one who went after my stuff, the dirty cheater bitch.”

Charlie glanced nervously at Alastor, worried he might have objections to his associate’s name being slandered, but the Radio Demon only grinned. She gave a weak laugh and turned back to Angel.

“Well that’s why I wanted us to play outside, but you wouldn’t listen. And now you know better, so you can’t be complaining anymore.”

“I wasn’t –”

Whatever else Angel meant to say was cut off when a spray of water hit his face so hard it knocked him backwards off the barstool. He crashed onto the carpet and wheezed. Charlie whipped her head around to see Alastor hefting the water gun with an intrigued slant to his smile.

“My, what a remarkable contraption! Water for bullets, what will they think of next?” He spun the toy into the air and caught it with his cane, balancing it on the microphone top.

Charlie pursed her lips and peeked over the counter to see the spider demon wiping liquid out of his eyes.

“Are you okay?”

“Fuck no I’m not okay!” He snarled, craning his head to glare up at both of them. “The fuck was that for?!”

“An investigation, my fine fellow, merely a formality.” The Radio Demon spun the toy again. “Are you going to try to shoot me back?” He looked incredibly smug.

The princess of Hell shook her head frantically as Angel’s face closed off. He glanced her way briefly before turning to Alastor.

“Maybe I will, huh?! Maybe I fucking will!” He hoisted himself up by the barstool to a standing position and snatched the water gun Charlie had left on the countertop. He lifted it –

And got blown back again as the Radio Demon shot him point blank in the chest. Angel skidded against the carpet and blinked dazedly while the princess spun around to Alastor. 

“How are you doing that! Stop doing that!”

“Stop doing what, Charlie-dear?” He chuckled, turning the gun her way when she took a step towards him. “I’m only partaking in this intriguing game you’ve been playing of late. I wonder why no one was cordial enough to invite me.”

Charlie jumped as Angel ran to the end of the room and pulled open the doors.

“Don’t just stand there, Charlie! RUN!” And then he was out of the bar into the unknown.

She jumped again when Alastor placed a feathery touch to her shoulder. He was watching the swinging doors with something ancient and predatory.

“Your client is savvier than he first appears, I must say.” The Radio Demon hummed thoughtfully. “I suppose I can give him a sporting chance for that. Charlie-dear, I can’t expect you to play along if you aren’t abiding the rules. Be a bird and arm yourself, will you?”

Whistling a merry tune, Alastor spun the water gun once more around his microphone and stepped towards the doors, leaving Charlie confused and vaguely terrified.  
.  
.  
.  
.

Vaggie was in the kitchen when she heard Angel scream for Charlie to run. Adrenaline burst through the girl’s every muscle and she shot out into the hallway, nearly running into the spider demon as he blindly tore past her. She managed to grab his arm and forced him to stop.

“Where’s Charlie?! Is Alastor hurting her?!”

“If that fucker got her then it’s not my fault!” Angel snarled breathlessly. “I warned her to run!”

Vaggie would have shook him hard to make him reveal where Charlie was, but her brain stalled as something shiny and colorful in the spider demon’s hands caught her attention.

“What – what’s this?”

“Oh, oh yeah, you probably think she’s dead now,” he finally stopped panting and showed her the water gun. “The Pink Pimp found these and wants to play, I guess. But the stuff he shoots fucking hurts! I’d say they were made of wood or some shit if I didn’t know better.”

“So she’s safe? She’s alright?”

“Hell if I know,” Angel looked nervously down the hall. “But I’m not sticking around to find out. I ain’t getting shot again, so either help me or get out of my way.”

The girl opened her mouth, then closed it as she heard the distinct sound of Alastor’s boots treading along carpet, somewhere out of sight but still far too close for comfort. She shared an honest look of unease with Angel.

And that was how Vaggie found herself crammed beside the spider demon in the hotel dumbwaiter.

The door was closed, but there was a small opening slot where Angel had taken up watch with his water gun held under his chin and ready to fire. It was rare to see him so serious, but Vaggie wasn’t going to say anything, stuck here like this. Instead she pretended not to stare as a black eye blossomed around his face and felt the way they both trembled.

It didn’t take long for the Radio Demon to enter the kitchen. He was spinning a water gun by its trigger around his cane, looking for all the world like a dapper gentleman on a Sunday stroll. He paused once as if considering something, then made a motion with his hands and conjured up a shimmering green symbol. It disappeared almost immediately, but there was no time to consider what it was meant for. 

Vaggie watched as Angel took the shot carefully, lining up his nozzle right between Alastor’s eyes. She held her breath, afraid that the spider demon might die for such an action but even more afraid that Alastor would catch them first and they’d lose this chance.

The spider demon’s eyes narrowed and he pulled the trigger. They watched as the stream of water went sailing for the Radio Demon, who saw it far too late to move out of the way.

He dodged it a different way. His head snapped backwards until it hit his spine, and the water flew harmlessly above him and into the far wall.

Angel and Vaggie watched in abject horror as Alastor reached behind him and physically pulled his head and neck up to something more autonomically possible. He cracked his head towards one shoulder, then the other, and stared at the two of them through their little slot.

“Commendable effort, truly, but you’ll have to try harder than that.”

The Radio Demon advanced towards the dumbwaiter and Vaggie grabbed ahold of the pulley rope, frantically tugging at it until she and Angel were propelling to a higher floor. They heard delighted laughter echo up after them.

“Very well, a strategic retreat! No doubt we’ll see each other soon, and continue the game again! Best of luck to you both!”

“Move faster!” Angel hissed in the girl’s ear. “He’s gonna try and cut us off!”

“I’m going as fast as I can!” She hissed back, frantic and frustrated. The spider demon growled.

“Here, just let me do it!” He grabbed the rope with all four hands, then with a sickening squelch another pair grew out of his body, just above his hips. Those hands also took hold of the pulley and soon the dumbwaiter was flying up through floors.

“What should we do?” Vaggie gripped the corners of two walls as best as she could, trying to maintain her balanced crouch. 

“I dunno, I’m the shoot-first-get-high-later kind of guy, not sharp in the smarts kinda way.”

“Oh I’m well aware of that fact.” She ignored the following insult hurled her way. “First priority is finding Charlie and making sure she’s safe. If we find Niffty, we’ll warn her too.”

“Okay, alright, I can work with that!” Angel stopped pulling the rope and they squeaked to a halt in a dilapidated-but-once-fancy room. The two hopped out and surveyed their location.

“Alright then,” Vaggie rubbed her shoulders, then held out one hand. “If I’m going to protect anyone, then I’ll need a weapon too. You help me get to wherever the water guns are stored and find Charlie, and I’ll watch your back. Truce?”

The spider demon stared at the offered hand in clear surprise. Then he gave a grim, dark smile and took the handshake. “Truce.”  
.  
.  
.  
.

Meanwhile, Charlie was running herself ragged trying to find a sign of where Alastor – or anyone really – had disappeared to. She couldn’t let someone get hurt. She couldn’t let _Alastor_ hurt anyone was the priority, honestly, because whatever he’d done to the water guns was enough to be dangerous from the way she’d seen Angel panic.

She ended her search on the fifth floor with no luck and ran into the stairwell, only to catch Alastor inside with one foot paused in the air. His head was twisted around in her direction; no doubt he’d heard the way she was tearing through the building. With a little whistle he turned to face her directly.

“Still not armed I see. Oh well, if you insist on refusing to play by the rules then there’s no choice but to leave you to your disadvantage!”

“Alastor, please, I’m not here to fight! I just wanted to talk!” Charlie pleaded as the Radio Demon advanced towards her. Her hands were held up in defenseless desperation.

“Talks of peace? Why you’re cute as a bug’s ear, dearie! But that’s not quite enough, I’m afraid.”

He took another step, eyes flickering pitilessly, and then suddenly went very still. His head tilted exactly forty-five degrees to the right, and Charlie heard what had caught his attention – Niffty was giggling somewhere up the stairs. There was no doubt she was watching them.

“Well! If it isn’t one of my associates! I should swing by and say hello!”

Alastor grinned wide as the giggles cut off abruptly, and he turned to head up to a higher floor, leaving Charlie once again. Except this time she was much more terrified. And much more determined to protect her hotel residents.

She sprinted up the stairs after him.  
.  
.  
.  
.

“My oh my, where could everybody be? I’d assumed this was a hunting game, not a hiding game. Oh, but I suppose that’s the same thing when you really think about it!”

Alastor took a right and found himself in an unfamiliar hallway. Here he caught Niffty, hanging off the doorknob of an open door a ways down. She shrieked and slammed it closed, and he approached only to find she had locked him out.

“Phonus Balonus! Barricading yourself away isn’t sporting!” He tapped the door twice with the water gun, then proceeded to smash it through the wood completely, providing an open hole for him to stick his head through. “I thought I taught you better!”

Niffty was huddled in the left corner of the room with her own gun in hand. The moment Alastor’s grinning face appeared she screamed-giggled at the top of her lungs and pulled the trigger, a demented smile smudged across her visage. The Radio Demon pulled his head out just in time to avoid being hit, then knocked the door down completely. 

From down the hallway, Charlie skidded to a halt just in time to see Alastor step into Niffty’s room. The screaming inside raised in pitch and then tapered off like an omen. The princess, fearing the worst, ran to the doorway and ended up colliding with the Radio Demon as he emerged again.

Charlie fell back on her butt, hands splayed behind to keep her upright. She stared up at Alastor, who hadn’t even flinched from the hit and was leaning lightly over his microphone with a reserved smile on his face.

“I suppose I have a confession to make,” He purred, eyes half-lidded. “You asked me why I came to visit today, and I gave a sort of half-truth. I was not simply interested in the wellbeing of my associates. I also arrived in the hopes to find some entertainment.”

“E-Entertainment?” The princess squeaked.

“Precisely! You have such a knack for it, and these last few days have been so dreary, I couldn’t resist the temptation. And lo and behold! Here you were, partaking in an enchanting little game of mayhem. How could I say no?”

“But, we weren’t actually playing that game anymore though, it – we finished!”

“Oh dearie, how you slay me!” Alastor raised his cane and tapped Charlie lightly on the nose. In the same motion he pulled a water gun from behind his back. “But it’s never over until the canary is dead.” 

The gun was cocked. His face split in two.

“And frankly, songbird, you’re still moving.”  
.  
.  
.  
.

Two hours later, Alastor was in quite high spirits. He nimbly tapped around splintered wood and a limp spider demon, making his way to the hotel’s entrance.

He whistled a jaunty tune as he removed the curse from the front door, watching its shimmering green hue dissipate into nothing. With a sadistic lilt to his grin he opened it and then paused, one foot half-forward in the air.

Husk stared back at him from the porch, keys dangling in one paw and a baseball bat in the other, raised as if to smash at the door.

“Oh it’s you,” the drunkard remarked idly, gaze flitting from Alastor to the entrance and back again. “I couldn’t get in. Thought maybe someone was tryin’ ta prank me.”

He hefted the bat over his shoulder and stepped to the side as the Radio Demon resumed his march forward, smile wide and self-satisfied.

“How insulting. Me, spending so much effort on mere mischief? You know me better than that!”

“Alright, alright, don’t get your horns in a twist,” Husk grumbled. He watched the other practically glide down the porch steps. “What the hell were you doin’ then?”

Alastor stopped and looked back. He tilted his head and his eyes flickered like a broken digital watch.

“ _Merely mischief._ ”

And just like that, the Radio Demon went on his merry way. Husk dug the handle of the baseball bat into his forehead to make the headache disappear. Then he walked into the hotel lobby, intending to head right to the bar to get a much-needed drink.

This plan was thwarted immediately when Husk stepped onto soaking wet carpet. He froze, painfully aware of the damp beneath his feet as he took in destroyed furniture, smashed paintings (except for that newest one from Charlie’s mother, strangely enough), and all the hotel residents laying unresponsive throughout the room.

It would have been enough to make him worry, if Vaggie hadn’t stirred and groaned in that exact moment, drawing Husk’s eyes to her and allowing him to spot the melted water gun in her listless arms.

Oh. _Oh._

“Idiots,” Husk declared to the carnage. “Idiots and children, all of you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So someone suggested a while back that I do another chapter with more characters, and the thought couldn't leave my head. I sat on this chapter for a long time until there were more snippets from the show and I could get a feel for Alastor's personality. Gotta say, he's a blast to write. What a swell and absolutely terrifying guy.
> 
> Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> P.S. if you have any ideas for more Hazbin characters in this weird little series, let me know! I'd love to add Sir Pen or others but I'm kinda stalling on how that'd happen haha.


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